How You Can Help Your Friend

HOW TO LISTEN

Listening to someone talk about being abused can be hard.

• Listen carefully without interrupting.  Nod your head, without agreeing or disagreeing.

• Believe what is said.  The details of domestic violence can be shocking.  Take what they tell you seriously.  You may be the only one trusted enough to tell.

• Validate their feelings.  You might say something like “this must be very hard for you,” “It must be scary when that happens,” or “No wonder you’re afraid.”

• Don’t judge their actions or choices, even if you disagree.

• Be patient.  Deciding what to do about a violent relationship can take a long time.   

WAYS YOU CAN SUPPORT YOU FRIEND

In addition to listening, you can help in other ways:

• Meet them where they are at.  Support them, even if you disagree with their choices.  Keep in mind that you can’t change your friend.

• Share what you’ve learned.  Pass on any materials about domestic violence you have found.

• Explain that it happens to others too.  Let them know they’re not alone.

• Encourage them to get help.  Explain how to call a domestic violence agency or shelter for information and support.

• Tell them it is not their fault.  People who are in unhealthy relationships often believe they cause the violence.

• Explain that domestic violence is against the law.  One does not have a right to hit or hurt others. 

• Tell them how you are willing to help.  Be clear about what you can and can’t do.  Know your boundaries.

• Point out your friend’s strengths.  Many people in abusive relationships have diminished self-esteem and are no longer capable of seeing their own abilities and gifts. 

HELP THEM MAKE A PLAN

Help them think about what to do if the violence happens again.  They can:

• Know every possible way to get out of the house or apartment.

• Know where they can go and how to get there.

• Pack an emergency bag with keys to their car and house, money, and copies of important papers (birth certificates, photo ID, restraining orders).  Keep it outside the house or leave it with a neighbor or friend. 

• Build a support group of friends and family who would be willing to help in an emergency (transportation, shelter, money, childcare, etc.).

Help them think about how they can be safer. They can:

• Find out about agencies, programs and shelters that offer services to domestic violence victims.

• Join a support group.

• Get counseling.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

You’ll be able to help more if you take good care of yourself as well.

• Don’t put yourself in danger.  Meet in a safe place.  Don’t get involved without giving it much thought.  Take a moment to check out your attitude.  Talk with a domestic violence agency to find out how to stay safe while supporting your friend.

• Accept that there is only so much you can do.  You can be supportive, but they must make their own decisions.

• Be around people who support you and energize you.

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