About DV - Cycle of Violence

There is usually a pattern to violence.  Even though every relationship is different, abusive behavior generally occurs in a cycle consisting of three parts.  It is a very dangerous cycle that ends in serious injury and death for some victims.  It is difficult to recognize the cycle when you are involved in it.  Over time, the cycle tends to move faster, the violence often becomes more severe, and sometimes the honeymoon phase disappears.

The Tension-Building Phase

• Abusive partner gets angry

• Abused partner tries to smooth things over.  They will try to keep everything calm and under control. They feel as if they are "walking on eggshells."

• Conflicts are avoided and ignored rather than resolved.

• Anger and tension build.

• Abused partner makes excuses for the tension, often blaming themselves or external factors. They keep tight control over the situation.

• The abusive partner knows things aren’t going well and fears the victim will leave.

• The victim reinforces this fear by withdrawing in order not to set the abuser off.

The Explosion Phase

• The abusive partner explodes and attacks the victim physically, psychologically, financially, or sexually.  (Often the abuse is verbal and emotional for a long time before it becomes physical).

• The abusive partner tries to teach the victim a lesson.  Expresses rage and frustration.  Later, the violent partner often cannot remember exactly what happened.

• When the abuse is over, the abused partner may deny the seriousness of the event to sooth the partner and to assure them both that it is over.

• The time immediately following the explosion is a common time to reach out for help.

The Honeymoon Phase (Gifts and Apologies)

• Violent partner is often sorry that the explosion happened, apologizes for the attack and attempts to make it up to the victim by being nice and promising to change.

• Promises that it will never happen again.

• The abused partner is charmed, showered with compliment, promises and affection.

• The explosion phase fades into the past and is remembered as a single incident, unconnected to other incidents, not serious at all.

• Some relationships never go through this phase.

• The abusive partner often makes the victim feel like they did something to deserve the way they are being treated.  It is all their fault.

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