Boys Becoming Men: Teaching Boys to Become Non-violent Partners
We teach our boys...
- to look both ways before crossing the street.
- to wear a sweater on a chilly day.
- how to throw a football.
- how to drive a car.
Do we teach them to treat their partners with honor and respect?
From the time that they are young, boys are bombarded with messages of what it means to “be a man.” Over time they learn that using their power and strength against others is proof of their manhood, and that violence equals strength, even if the victim of their violence is someone they love. Is this really what we want our boys to learn?
In September 2007 for the 5th Annual Breakfast Eye Opener, SAVE created a short video of interviews with local men discussing what they learned as youth about the roles of women and men:
“My dad told me to stay out of the kitchen because that’s women’s work.”
“I grew up watching Leave it to Beaver. The father laid down the rules, and everyone obeyed them.”
“My dad was expected to be the head of the family and make all the important decisions.”
“Men are expected to be strong, not show any emotion.”
Other men have shared how they were told on the basketball court to “take it like a man” and “don’t act like a girl.”
Boys learn from the men around them how to treat women. Lieutenant Mark Riggs, Fremont Police Department, shares the story of the domestic violence incident where he was arresting a father who had punched his girlfriend in the face and broke her nose. Their child was not affected by the police presence or the fact that his Dad was going to jail. He was riding a scooter on the sidewalk at 3:00 pm proudly saying that it was his birthday today. This poor little boy was growing up to think this type of violence against loved partners is the norm.
Fortunately, we can have a big influence on the boys in our lives -- whether they are our sons, nephews, students, players, or friends -- to help them grow into healthy non-violent partners.
What you can do
The following solutions are excerpts from the Family Violence Prevention Fund’s website, www.endabuse.org
Teach Early. It’s never too soon to talk to a child about violence. Let him know how you think he should express his anger and frustration – and what is out of bounds. Talk with him about what it means to be fair, share and treat others with respect.
Be there. If it comes down to one thing you can do, this is it. Just being with boys is crucial. The time doesn’t have to be spent in activities. Boys will probably not say this directly -- but they want a male presence around them, even if few words are exchanged.
Listen. Hear what he has to say. Listen to how he and his friends talk about girls. Ask him if he’s ever seen abusive behavior in his friends. Is he worried about any of his friends who are being hurt in their relationships? Are any of his friends hurting anyone else?
Tell Him How. Teach him ways to express his anger without using violence. When he gets mad, tell him he can walk it out, talk it out, or take a time out. Let him know he can always come to you if he feels like things are getting out of hand. Try to give him examples of what you might say or do in situations that could turn violent.
Bring it up. A kid will never approach you and ask for guidance on how to treat women. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t need it. Try watching TV with him or listening to his music. If you see or hear things that depict violence against women, tell him what you think about it. Never hesitate to let him know you don’t approve of sports figures that demean women, or jokes, video games and song lyrics that do the same. And when it comes time for dating, be sure he knows that treating girls with respect is important.
Be a Role Model. Fathers, coaches and any man who spends time with boys or teens will have the greatest impact when they “walk the walk.” They will learn what respect means by observing how you treat other people. So make respect a permanent way of dealing with people – when you’re driving in traffic, talking with customer service reps, in restaurants with waiters, and with your family around the dinner table. He’s watching what you say and do and takes his cues from you, both good and bad. Be aware of how you express your anger. Let him know how you define a healthy relationship and always treat women and girls in a way that your son can admire.
Teach Often. Your job isn't done once you get the first talk out of the way. Help him work through problems in relationships as they arise. Let him know he can come back and talk to you again anytime. Use every opportunity to reinforce the message that violence has no place in a relationship.
Become a Founding Father. Show him how important the issue of violence against women and children is to you. Join thousands of men across the country who are taking a stand against violence. Go to foundingfathers.org to sign up.